I don’t have to tell you that the negative thoughts floating through your head are problematic. Your own experience tells you that. Those negative thoughts keep you up at night, put you in a bad mood, and make it hard for you to enjoy your life. Today, I’ll teach you an evidence-based strategy for stopping negative self-talk called the SOS strategy. Use it to overcome the negative way you talk to yourself.
Examples of Negative Thoughts About Self
We have negative thoughts about all kinds of things, but some of the most problematic are the negative thoughts we have about ourselves. Have you heard any of these thoughts in your head?
- I can’t do it.
- There’s something wrong with me.
- I’m an idiot.
- I always mess things up.
- I’m stupid/fat/lazy/ugly.
- I should have known better.
- I never get anything right.
- I’m a lost cause.
Where Does Negative Self-Talk Come From
Everyone has these thoughts from time to time, but some of us have them on a more regular basis. Negative self-talk can come from three places:
- Watching Others: If your parents or caregivers talked about themselves using disparaging language, you’ll learn as a child to do the same. Do you remember how your parents reacted when they made a mistake or had a bad day? Did they treat themselves with understanding and compassion, or did you hear negative self-talk?
- Life Experiences: If you’ve gone through painful life experiences, this can change the way you see and think about yourself. Before something painful happened, you might have thought of yourself as competent and able to solve your own problems; but after going through something painful, you might have thoughts that you’re inept or damaged or even that you are to blame for what happened to you. These thoughts can stick around.
- Brain Science: Our brain is set up in such a way that the types of thoughts we have are related to the type of mood we’re in. This is why when you’re happy, it’s easier to think of jokes and funny memories. If you are mad at someone, this is also why you can suddenly only think of every mistake the person has ever made. When you’re in a negative mood, you’re more likely to have negative thoughts about yourself.
How to Stop Negative Self-Talk
Even though no one sets out to talk negatively about themselves, we can still get stuck in a pattern of negative self-talk. Thankfully, psychology has developed some techniques to help us get unstuck. Here’s one to try called the SOS technique.
SOS stands for Stop, Observe, and Shift. Here’s how it works.
Step 1: Stop
Step 1 is to catch yourself in a spiral of negative self-talk and to tell yourself to “stop.” This gives you the opportunity to interrupt the spiral and gives you the space to ultimately choose another way of responding.
Analogy: Imagine you can’t find where you parked your car. You’re wandering around aimlessly, lost. This is just like your negative thoughts wandering around aimlessly in your head. Step 1 is to stop in your tracks.
Step 2: Observe
Step 2 is to observe what you’re saying to yourself. Listen in and hear what thoughts are running through your mind. Put them into words. Notice how those words make you feel.
Analogy: You’re standing in the parking lot. Now, look at your surroundings. Where are you? What details do you notice that might help you find your car?
Step 3: Shift
Step 3 is to shift your response. A few moments ago, your thoughts were just running wild, and they were affecting your mood and your behavior. They were sucking out all your energy. Use all the positive coping skills and techniques you have to shift the way you’re thinking, feeling, and behaving.
Analogy: In the maze, shift your strategy. Rather than wandering aimlessly, take the parking lot row by row. Use your car’s panic button to try to sound the horn. Find a strategy to use rather than winging it.
Coping Strategies for Step 3: Negative Self-Talk Worksheets
Steps 1 and 2 set you up so you can use all the great coping skills and techniques you’ve been developing in therapy, in the books you’re reading, and with my worksheets and articles. Here are some recommendations of techniques to use in Step 3:
Learn how to silence your inner critic
Learn how to stop your thoughts from spiraling downward
Learn how to rewire your anxious brain
How to Develop Motivation
I see my clients really diving into negative self-talk when they feel like they haven’t been “productive” enough. They’ll then call themselves “lazy” or use other negative language to berate themselves for not getting enough done. This is partly a problem with our culture, but sometimes it’s a problem with self-sabotage. Next week, I’ll teach you a strategy for getting out of your own way and developing motivation. Don’t miss it.
Talk to you soon,
Dr. Finch
P.S. Remember, this is education, not treatment. Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you. See the disclaimer for more details.
