Your Modesty Is Insulting
You look nice today!
Wow, you did a great job on that presentation today! I was impressed!
Your children are so well behaved!
Compliments Make Us Nervous
Compliments. We love them because boy does the validation feel good! But do they make you kind of nervous, too? If they do, you’re not alone. A compliment means someone’s paying attention…they’re noticing what you’re up to. And that means they could catch your mistakes one day, too.
Our Anxiety Affects How We Respond to Compliments
Today, let’s talk about how you respond to compliments. Let’s go back to the examples. Think about how you’d respond if someone approached you and offered these compliments:
Your friend: You look nice today!
Your coworker: Wow, you did a great job on that presentation today! I was impressed!
Your neighbor: Your children are so well behaved!
I hope your answer to each one was a polite “Thank you!” …but I’m guessing it wasn’t. I’m guessing your response was something like this:
Your friend: You look nice today!
You: I snoozed too long this morning, so this is day 3 hair.
Your coworker: Wow, you did a great job on that presentation today! I was impressed!
You: Man, I didn’t know what to say when they asked me that question about last year’s figures.
Your neighbor: Your children are so well behaved!
You: They have their moments….
We think of this as humility. We think we’re being modest and that modesty is polite.
Our Anxiety Is a Covert Insult
But let’s take this from the complimenter’s point of view. Here’s what the complimenter hears when you make these “humble” replies.
Your friend: You look nice today!
You: I snoozed too long this morning, so this is day 3 hair.
—> translates to “Any idiot can see I look terrible.”
Your coworker: Wow, you did a great job on that presentation today! I was impressed!
You: Man, I didn’t know what to say when they asked me that question about last year’s figures.
—-> translates to “If you’d been paying attention, you would have seen it wasn’t good.”
Your neighbor: Your children are so well behaved!
You: They have their moments….
—> translates to “They’re actually monsters and if you can’t see that then your standards are just low.”
These are somewhat extreme examples to illustrate the point. Dismissing compliments is a covert form of criticism. By dismissing a compliment, you’re dismissing the person’s point of view and invalidating their experience.
How to Accept Compliments with Arrogance
But humility and modesty are socially important. So how do you accept a compliment without being arrogant? Let’s take a look at arrogance first:
Your friend: You look nice today!
You: Duh!
Your coworker: Wow, you did a great job on that presentation today! I was impressed!
You: I always do great work!
Your neighbor: Your children are so well behaved!
You: They have awesome parents!
How to Accept Compliments with Modesty and Humility
So humility is somewhere between the first examples I provided, which conveyed low self-regard and a sense of unworthiness, and these examples, which convey inflated self-regard and a sense of arrogance. Here’s what modesty looks like:
Your friend: You look nice today!
You: Thank you. My sister helped me pick out this shirt.
Your coworker: Wow, you did a great job on that presentation today! I was impressed!
You: Thank you. It was nice to receive positive feedback on the project.
Your neighbor: Your children are so well behaved!
You: Thank you. They are great little people and I love being their mom.
You don’t have to agree with the compliment for it to be valid. A polite “thank you” is enough.
Unworthiness and Guilt Create Compliment Anxiety
For some of us, a deeply ingrained sense of unworthiness and guilt about receiving compliments keep us stuck. If you’re noticing major discomfort with receiving compliments, the way you talk to yourself might be getting in your way. Start undoing the unhealthy relationship you have with your thoughts by taking my free 5-part course, where I’ll teach you the three components that keep us stuck and how to reverse them to get unstuck. Join here:
And if you’re curious about how accepting compliments affects your relationship with your intimate partner, check out Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love that Lasts by Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James O. Pawelski.
Next week, I’m telling you why the questions you’re asking yourself (like: Why can’t I get this right?) are the wrong questions. And you know me, I’ll tell you how to ask yourself better questions to get where you want to go. Don’t miss it.
Dr. Finch
P.S. Here’s the gist: You’re trying to be humble by dismissing people’s compliments, but you’re covertly criticizing them. Check out the examples of how to be humble without being dismissive and join my 5-part free course to work through the anxiety you have about being complimented. Next week, I’m telling you how to ask yourself better questions to get where you want to go. Don’t miss it.
P.P.S. Remember, this is education, not treatment. Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you. See the disclaimer for more details.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD, is a practicing psychologist in Des Moines, Iowa, dedicated to helping you master your mental health.